It is imperative to disclose the fact that I am happily married and blessed with two lovely children to avoid being accused a victim of the subject matter of this paper.
Secondly, this opinion piece is not aimed at denigrating marriage institution or promoting divorce. Rather, it only attempted to challenge the age long societal notion of using marriage as a yardstick for classifying who is responsible or not with a view to canvassing for fair treatment of the perceived victims of such prejudice.
We live in a society defined by certain stereotypes that have gained somewhat tacit acceptance. Some of these prejudices have become so entrenched in people’s psyche as part and parcel of the norms and customs of the society, especially in Africa.
In a typical African society, it is believed; albeit erroneously (in my opinion) that, marriage makes people responsible. On this faulty premise, it is assumed that a full-fledged adult who is still single is not yet ‘responsible’ and by implication, incapable of shouldering certain responsibilities. Similarly, divorcees and single parents especially women are tagged as promiscuous, wayward, irresponsible, failure and in extreme cases are considered unfit for societal respect because she is not ‘answerable to any man’.
One derogatory African proverb aptly captures the prejudice to wit: ‘an unmarried woman however rich or influential in the community is like a beautiful house without a roof’. Fortunately, current realities have disproved such primitive and anachronistic perception of unmarried women hitherto held in traditional African milieu. In modern times, a woman’s worth or influence is hardly judged by her marital status given that marriage is no longer considered a responsibility trait neither is marriage a laurel.
In our African society, family members, friends and even ‘concerned members of the society’ (CMS) mount unwarranted pressures on single adults who they ‘consider or adjudge’ as ripe for marriage. In the case of a male adult from the age of 27 and above, as soon as he is known to have secured a visible means of livelihood (whether well-paying or not), the next thing you hear is that family members, friends or CMS have started marriage – agenda – setting. You hear questions like when will you settle down? What are you still waiting for? When are you inviting us to come and eat rice, etc. Some parents sometime even jocularly question whether you don’t want them to carry their grandchildren before they die. It is also not uncommon for some parents to resort to pre-arranged marriages for their single/eligible children who are reluctant in ‘settling down’.
The pressures are often more on ladies. Some parents consider it as an aberration for their daughters to graduate from higher institutions without ‘securing’ fiancés; as if marriage relationship is supposed to be campus – complimentary – gift. They expect that one serious guy should come and ‘knock at their door’, as soon as their daughter graduates from higher institution.
Weird stories have also been told of parents who went to the extent of driving their unable-to get–married- daughters away from home or who take them from one herbalist or prayer house to another in search of solutions to perceived protracted spinsterhood of their daughters.
While I am not oblivious of the existence of demonic forces in our African setting, I do not subscribe to unwarranted pressures being mounted on any one in a bid to get them married at all cost. It should be borne in mind especially by parents that, marriage delayed is not necessarily marriage foregone! Besides, the culturally backed argument that only marriage could turn singles into useful citizens, reliable and responsible employees, happy and healthy individuals are no longer tenable.
It is my firm argument that marriage should not be used as a yardstick for measuring a responsible or irresponsible adult; whether male or female. Granted that marriage to some extent can enhance someone’s sense of responsibility especially having to bear in mind that for every decision or action taken someone at home could be affected. Even at that, it is not cast in stone that married people are automatically responsible while their single counterparts are not. After all, some bachelors/spinsters are even shouldering more responsibilities than their married counterparts. As a matter of fact, I know of several single or unmarried people who are shouldering a lot of responsibilities. It is therefore uncharitable to regard some persons as not responsible on account of their marital status.
Conversely, there are several married men and women who are irresponsible in every sense of the word. Some do not even know or care how their children feed, clothe or earn a living. Also, there are parents that quarrel and fight at any slightest provocation to the rude shock of their children. Examples also abound of countless married men and women who engage in uncontrolled extra marital affairs even more than the singles that are wrongly labeled as not responsible.
The crux of the foregoing argument is that an irresponsible bachelor/spinster may not automatically transform into a responsible person just by wearing a toga of marriage or putting wedding ring on the finger. After all, old habit, they say die hard.
It is equally worrisome that the ecclesiastical fold in particular is not free from the discriminatory tendency against single members of their congregation. In some denominations, Youth Fellowship is mostly made up of bachelors and spinsters irrespective of age. Therefore, while a 27 year old married man is qualified to join Men’s Fellowship, his unmarried counterpart even if he is 40 year old is confined to Youth Fellowship until he does the needful. The same rule also applies to Women Fellowship. In some other congregations, female members who are divorcees belong to Single Parents’ Fellowship instead of Women Fellowship. This is one reason why some divorcees would rather not join any of these groups to avoid being labeled as member of a failed group. So many people are being hurt psychologically as a result of some of these societal prejudices hence, the urgent need to discard some of these practices.
Needless to state that so many people have been rushed or forced into early marriages or are in abusive or failed marriages just to keep up with the societal expectations. Some others would rather continue to flaunt their wedding rings or maintain their marital statuses as ‘married’ even when the marriage is toxic or is being stage managed. This has been profound in the recent surge in spousal abuse or violence. Unfortunately, some people have been sent to early graves because they wanted to avoid the societal ‘naming and shaming’ of people with failed marriages. It is worth reiterating that female divorcees are the worst victims of the societal discrimination. The fact that someone is a divorcee does not mean he/she is responsible for their failed marriage. Also, that marriage fails does not mean the parties are failure. Some are just victims of circumstances. For instance, some people got married on faulty foundations such as marriages in fulfillment of parental or societal expectations.
It is common amongst members of the political class or business tycoons to arrange marriages for their children within their circles with the aim of cementing their political or business relationships. Such marriages hardly take the interests of the couples as priority. Consequently, couples are stuck in some marriages today that if given another chance they would rather remain unmarried or would choose a different partner.
In conclusion, I absolutely agree that it is good to marry and preferably on time but most importantly when someone is ready by their estimation. Marriage is beneficial to the partners, children and the society. It is also divine. The delicate balance that should be struck is that those who are singles or whose marriages have crumbled should not be pressured, demonized or tagged as irresponsible. It must be borne in mind that some people may choose celibacy for whatever reason and this choice should be respected. Everyone should be accorded their due respect notwithstanding their marital status. Ideally, societal respect ought to be earned and not conferred using marriage as a yardstick. The era of marital status being a consideration for certain jobs or positions, particularly in government sector is almost gone for good. In modern times, especially in civilized countries, emphasis is now more on competence and ability to deliver on the job with little or no regard for marital status.
– Benjamin Atanu Achimugu contributed this piece from Abuja and can be reached via benjaminachimugu@nigerianbar.ng
