Just before you read on, I feel the urge to let you all know that the Best Nigerian Politician at the moment is Femi Fani-Kayode. It’s unequivocal. He won without leaving a room for competition. The devil is in the details…
Globally, politicians share similar traits and characteristics. They tend to be selfish, self-centered, dubious; could say a word that means ten things to ten people; not bound by their words after the goal is achieved (Machiavellian); and they speak to be politically correct. These and similar other characteristics bind and unite ‘Politicians’ around the world.
But you see, as bad as people think ‘Politicians’ are globally, the Nigerian brand of ‘Politician’ is on a different level of ignominy. If ‘Politicians’, by their traits and idiosyncrasies, are undesirable set of people (if you have been following my writings, by now you should know the clear difference between ‘Politicians’ and Leaders), to be the ‘Best Nigerian Politician’, you must have worked hard to be among the worst set of human beings anywhere in the world.
To be the best Nigerian Politician, you must know how to say ten different things with a single mouth in one word. To be the Best Nigerian Politician, you must know how to jump ships, and very quickly too, from this camp to that camp, back and forth, all for the hustle. It’s a skill you must learn and be really good at it.
To be the Best Nigerian Politician, you must not be a man of Principle. No. What business do you have with principles? To be the Best Nigerian Politician, you must never play politics of ideology. If you do, aside being condemned to an unpopular minority, you possibly will die in poverty. To be the Best Nigerian Politician, you must never have or stick to a single political party. Don’t make that mistake. You must be skilled at identifying the winning side and quickly but smartly join them to ride the trend.
To be the Best Nigerian Politician, you must never work hard to win Elections for any Candidate. No. That is a waste of time, resources and a risk to your own Life. The Best Nigerian Politician hovers around like a Vulture, wait for the winner to be announced, the same man he had been insulting for years, then he starts to sing his praises in the media, among which the Social Media is the most veritable and accessible. Then with this proof of ‘support’, the Best Nigerian Politician finds his way to the abode of the winner, cap in hand. He sings more praises.
Sometimes he returns as a prodigal son – an obvious acceptance that:
“Yes, I’m no good; I’m a man of no principles; I’m not loyal to any cause; I’m only loyal to my stomach and pocket; but I have repented; now I’m your man. But if you choose not to accept me back, count the cost. When I insult you on Social Media, 15 million people will read it. The vast majority of this number will agree with me and they won’t vote for you. What if I decide to sing your praises on that same platform? That is 15 million men for you only with a swipe of my fingers. I can make you President of Nigeria”.
Oga looks at him. ‘Oh yes he has values to add. Those who won the last Election are now valueless. FFK it is!’.
There are many FFK among the Nigerian Youths today. With these ones, the hope of a glorious future is long lost.
The Best Nigerian Politician is a political merchant. He trades off his followers, online and offline, get the money and bolt off. For those of us who have participated real time in electioneering, we know first hand that these ‘followerships’ don’t translate to electoral votes. The indices that win elections are deeper and stronger than these claims. But the Best Nigerian Politician goes ahead to to promise 20 million Youths, 50 million South West Voters and cash out in the most ignoble manner possible. The scheme of the Best Nigerian Politician works quite well because Politicians with money are no different from a woman with a heart to love. She won’t get wise until that heart is broken to a thousand pieces. No politician is wise enough until he loses an election and loses money with it.
The Best Nigerian Politician is the man who stays in PDP, criticizes PDP, parleys with all APC Governors and reap huge monies from them, so much so that the whole nation stands in awe wondering which political party he belongs to. He is the Best Nigerian Politician who dined and wined with an APC Governor, assuring him of his readiness to return to APC – a party he claimed he helped to create as a foundational member – and when the Governor, armed with this confidence, approached the media to announce Femi Fani-Kayode’s membership of APC, FFK simply granted a counter media interview, debunked the announcement and reaffirmed his membership of PDP, causing a slight embarrassment to His Excellency.
The Best Nigerian Politician is the man who supports Nnamdi Kanu’s Biafra, Sunday Igboho’s Oduduwa Republic, and a Yahaya Bello’s Nigerian Presidency simultaneously without blinking an eye. Indeed, to be the Best Nigerian Politician, you must first lose your shame to the world.
The Best Nigerian Politician is dynamic. He is as unstable as water. He has no dignity of his own. They call him a political prostitute and he smiles gleefully to the camera for it. He promises value, but in actual fact, he lost that value to his pocket, same way as he lost his shame to the world.
May I never be the Best Nigerian Politician. But may I be a Leader that will be known for the greater good.
Check out the FFK in you.
– Olu Majek is a social and political commentator, a critic, a political player and an aspiring leader. May I never be a politician.
