Good knowledge and understanding of the various dynamics that define our political culture and how to adroitly apply them to your benefit is all you require to rise to political stardom or secure political appointment in today’s Nigeria. Quite frankly, those who understand this trick have since adopted and are making good fortune out of it.
Strangely, no special or spectacular skills are needed to find yourself in any political office of your choice apart from being treacherous, manipulative, deceitful and skillfully good at bad-mouthing and de- marketing others. These are all you require to belong there.
Don’t bother yourself about your inability to possess credible certificates, excellent track record of service, hands-on experience, character, capacity to deliver, emotional intelligence as well as intelligence quotient. Your ability to kowtow to political gods, ass-wipe and praise-sing them to no end covers your intellectual and managerial inadequacies. What matters is to be insanely loyal and be willing to do the bidding of those pulling the lever of power.
First things first. Get yourself a catchy and sellable appellation that would warm you into the hearts of the masses. A suitable label like a; ‘Public Affairs Commentator, Social Critic or Human Rights Activist” gets you ready for business. Social media has made it a lot easier. So, take a step further by creating a social media account and then begin to shout, wail, scream, whine and lament over the absence governance in your state.
Your submissions must be harsh, critical and filled with venomous vile. Do well to target the occupier of the very office you have your eye on. Pick holes in the efforts of the holder of such office. If possible, write damaging stories and cast such a person in bad light. Let the government of the day know that the crop of characters they parade as aides lack the skills, capacity, competence and capability to function optimally. Tell them most of us such aides are square pegs in round holes that are only drawing salaries without adding value to the government of the day.
Spare no effort to rubbish the government’s modest achievements. Tar the government with the brush of failure. Be very consistent and strategic in your vitriolic attacks. Keep firing from all cylinders without being cautious of the authenticity, factuality and veracity of your message. Be vicious and acidic in your choice of words.
Attack them without mercy, with particular focus on the occupier of the very office you have your eye on. Consistency is the name of the game. Dedicate your time, data, energy, entire page and timeline to the perceived failures and inadequacies of the same government. You will surely be noticed and possibly invited to be part of the government. Trust me on this.
When you are eventually contacted, your engagements on social media and narrative will begin to change. Apart from shying away from discussing politics, you will begin to rationalize and possibly defend the very issues you condemned and criticized the same government in the recent past. By this time, you have done your medicals, agreed on your portfolio, salary and other packages and ready to work for the very government you demonized, lampooned and condemned with zest only yesterday.
Pronto! Images of you having a handshake with senior appointees begin to fly around. Then come the moment of puerile defense, watery sermons, pedestrian epistles and hollow homilies on why you decided to work with those you serially criticized. At this point, nothing, not even your integrity matters anymore. Like a dog, you begin to shamelessly swallow the rubbish you vomited in the past. Social media never forgets. Trust some of your tech savvy followers to tag you in some of your posts and submissions in the past.
So, dear job seeker, what are you still waiting for? Drop your certificate, forget your pristine home training, suppress your conscience, discard your integrity and begin to churn out malicious, vicious and scathing comments on facebook so as to get noticed. Just go all out. Insult elders, castigate your peers and be ready to tell absolute lies about office holders so as to take over their jobs. These are the steps to take if you are ready to attain political stardom in Nigeria.
– Abdullahi Yunusa ProfWills writes from FHA Lugbe, Abuja.
meetprofwills@yahoo.com
